I decide not to be

(Musing)

Me-Quote: I am doing what I have always wanted to do -- being jobless and drunk

I have always felt that when Shakespeare's Hamlet pronounces "to be or not to be", it is nothing but a choice one always faces in everyday life. Nevertheless, it's always "to be" that dominates one's thought process. I want to be an engineer, I want to marry a rich, beautiful girl, I want to buy branded clothes, I want to do this, I want to do that and so forth. And in the process one forgets the choice one has been bestowed with. It's no longer "to be or not to be", but it is "to be this or to be that", "to buy Reebok or to buy Adidas".

I guess if you have lost me somewhere in the first paragraph, let me put it in a more lucid way. We have zeroed down our choices to become mere commodities in the market. What we really think as choices aren't really so. It's just something your mamma says, papa says, best friend says, girl friend says, your colleague at office says. And more importantly it is always the conventions & customs that say. It's never your say. The choice that you think you have is really limited. You can't cross the threshold that society has fixed for you. Beyond a point there is no-entry. You are free to do whatever you wish to do as long as you don't cross the line.

For instance, you can either stay home and watch a dumb show on television or go out with people, and it's OK with the group, but no…you can't have your solitude and you can't be out alone. You go out for a movie alone, and weird faces you see. "What...you have come to the movie alone?" an acquaintance asks, and you would say "yah…none of my friends were interested, so that's it". And that’s all to trigger a you-are-loony look. What the hell? I mean, it isn’t like I don’t love company. It is lots of fun to be with friends, to go out together and watch movies, and I still cherish many of those wonderful moments. But that doesn't mean I can't go out alone, watch a movie and enjoy myself. I love my solitude as much as I love company. It doesn't matter how many weird looks I get, I am just the way I am. Anyway, the whole episode leaves one with a strong distasteful feeling inside. Maybe somewhere down the line I am looking for appreciation.

So, what do I do? Actually I have never got over the rebellious attitude I developed as a teenager. While at high school, I used to fight with my dad just to assert my independence. I would play all the evening and decide to study for a while at night and here comes my dad from office and say "Son, why don't you study for a while. You have board exams coming." That's all needed to wake up the rebel in me. The same me who was about to study a moment ago would close the books and switch on the TV and watch a stupid show or just simply sleep. From food I eat to books I read, from dress I wear to friends I am with, I used to assert my independence. All the way I hurt myself and my dad's feelings, 'coz many times his was the wiser decision. But I didn't give a damn, as I wanted to be independent then. And I am no different now. I mean, I am wise enough to ask others' opinion before I decide upon something and I do decide prudently. But finally it is going to be my choice all the way. And if what I choose goes against the social norms, what the heck? I don't give a damn.

Anyway it's so much fun to be off-beat. It is worth every bit of it, if only to see those funny looks on people's faces. There is some freshness and charm in being off-beat. It unleashes the creativity in you. It makes you feel live, if you know what I am saying. Totally charged up, like always on a high. I am not suggesting it's always harmless. But who the hell cares. If I have to choose between a cosy, conservative life with a happy-family-smiles-for-photo sort of living, and a life full of taking risks, going out and seeing new things, even if it means putting everything at stake, I would go for the latter any given day. So, I have decided not to be. To be a no one and I have no regrets. Because by being no one, I feel I am creating an identity of my own, if only it is that of a loser! It's just me for myself. I don't want to be cast in any mould that would stifle me to death. I want to break-free. I have already tried the conventional life for a while and it sucks. Everyone is suck into the deep mire, once they step in. You can't stop worrying about your next appraisal, your colleague's pay-check, the tagged shirts and brand new cars. Even following sports has become conventional. Believe it or not, I have seen people follow cricket to get accepted. Now come on, why would one want to even sacrifice one's hobbies to please others? I used to love cricket as a sport but very soon I became disinterested. I no longer want to be part of this great conspiracy.

Calvin-Quote: "The problem with Rock 'N 'Roll is that the generation that created it is now the establishment. Rock pretends it's still rebellious with its video posturing, but who believes it? The stars are 45-year-old zillionaires or they endorse soft drinks! The "revolution" is a capitalist industry! Give me a break! Fortunately, I've found some protest music for today's youth! This stuff really offends Mom and Dad!"

So here I am, jobless and drunk. I don't want to do any job that would make me sacrifice the inner-me that keeps questioning. I don’t know how long I will survive. I am not born with any silver spoon, and so I have to make out a living some way. Anyway I will try to give a good fight to do only what pleases me. I am happy to be jobless, that is to say in the conventional sense. I am happy to be drunk -- to get lost in the intoxicating world that is creative and defined by me. I decide not to be.