A blessing in disguise

Photo courtesy: fotosearch.com

It is really disappointing to see how things are going these days. Not that I am ever satisfied with anything. But, one look at the local television channels and one will understand what I am saying. If you thought I was alluding to those monstrosities called "soaps" that come 24*7 on television, well..you are god damn right.

After almost 4 years, I happened to take a long vacation (read 4 weeks) home. Of many things that I wished to do back home, the most important was of course taking the strategic control of the television remote. That choice of being able to flick the remote and loaf in the sofa in almost all of the yoga postures, while ordering mom to make this and that delicacy..mm..the taste of it, I was all set for nirvana. Well these were my thoughts when I boarded the train from Delhi to Hyderabad. In fact my joy knew no bounds when my younger bro said he can't come home this time around as he had project work to finish at his college. Well..how can I stay calm when everything was turning to my favour. I almost laughed with joy, but managed to present a disappointing look to my brother..though now i wonder if I saw a derisive smirk on my brother's face. Well, anyway I was in no position to understand what was in store for me back home this time.

Everyone has certain wishes. Certain fantasies and imagined situations one craves for, and I was no different. But this time home I realised that not every wish is wishful thinking. It happens that almost always I keep hearing my friends say how they are completely sucked into watching those melodramatic Telugu soaps at home, as their moms and sisters kept glued to the television. Though I thanked my stars that I got to see all my favourite shows, as my mom wouldn't care much for those soaps, there was this tiny wish that my mom too saw those soaps like the rest of the moms, even if it only meant that I got a chance to participate in those long tirades against the soaps that kept popping up in our gang's debates. Well..here was my wish being answered and I no way knew what I was into.

So as usual is my style..the first thing i did after reaching home was to head towards the couch and take control of the remote. As I was browsing the channels, it took me time to sink when my mom happily asked me to put channel 8. I did it in an inconsequential spur of a moment to sit facing a soap in Gemini TV! There was no way my mom would see a soap..or did she finally get transformed? No, no, it can't be. There must have been a mistake somewhere! Did I come to my home or did I mistake someone else's mom as my mom. I almost said sorry, took my bag and was leaving my home wondering whether one can even forget one's home and mom too that I heard a voice too familiar. That course baritone and omnipresent cough. It was my dad. I was shocked to see my dad and I blurted out, "Dad, how can you do such a thing?" All I got in response was a confused look and another cough. I tried to explicate, "Dad, after all these years of happy married life, how can you bring another lady home?" Well..I was still not convinced with my mom's assertiveness to take control of the television remote. Though I kept reading how the new wave of feminism and women's assertiveness of their rights was becoming a common thing in suburban India..I wasn't prepared for this happening to my mom. My dad replied after a beat, "Huh! I tried that too..but there are offers to get a new television set for a older one but none for moms!" I could see desperation in my old man.

Sometime back I read somewhere that taking control of family's finances meant taking control of the family. Not too far back in time, women used to struggle with their mensfolk so as to get the month's salary in their hands. This way they would have an edge and be on top of the power ladder. Well that's history now. What's happening now is the struggle for television remote. Television remote is now not just a means of watching your favourite shows but has become a means of dominance and asserting one's supremacy and individual rights. If a couple is having a bitter fight what do you think classifies one as the winner of the tussle? Shouting at the highest pitch?..well no one can beat a woman's tone, winning a verbal fight?..forget it if you think you can beat a woman's vocabulary of choicest words..they have an entire collection of them worth an encyclopedia, and don't even think of winning a physical fight..why do you think women grow nails for? Well, slamming the doors won't help either. Gentlemen, the only thing that can bring victory to your forefront is the control of "the remote". It represents everything that has to do with power. There is a recent gossip going around. If DMK has promised colour televisions for households if it wins the Tamilnadu elections, you have no clue what Jayalalitha is secretly promising the womenfolk. The television remotes! Now, no prizes for guessing who will win the race. I guess only a woman can manoeuvre such a move and Jayalalitha is such a strong woman. Thank god she didn't make it big in Telugu movies..or else we Telugu men would have become loosers for life.

So here I was..with so many hopes and aspirations of watching those fashion TV babes, AXN fear factor to HBO blockbusters and Zee Cafe friends. And there I was sitting with my mom watching A to Z of Telugu soaps. You name it and I saw it. Chakravakam, Sravanthi, Gokulam lo Sita and what not. One month of viewing and I feel like a pro, a walking treatsie on the Telugu serials. I am serious, I someday intend to do a PhD on Telugu soaps, if not make one. I guess this is what these soaps are meant for, to boost one's confidence levels. If you have never watched these television soaps you must certainly watch them for the following reasons...
1) You will be assured that you will be able to watch them 24*7 for rest of your life! In a world where nothing is permanent, you will be part of something that will go on for eternity. Your one chance to be part of history. Something you can pass on from generation to generation. When you grow old and don't know what stories to tell your grandsons and granddaughters, you can simply recollect the past episodes of your favourite serial and recount them. The kids will relate to this more than anything else. Just forget it if you think you can entertain them with Panchatantra ot Jataka tales. They will be "K" generation kids (Courtesy: Our K serials)
2) Even if you miss an episode..it doesn't matter..b'coz as a rule each episode has just one dialogue that contributes significantly to the story. Well there is anyway no plot!
3) If you are really frustrated and need to know that one dialogue, just eavesdrop the conversation of two women. Not only will you know the dialogue but also the dresses and sarees worn by the ladies in the episode, the food they ate and as a bonus..the recipe for those delicacies. Statutory Warning: Don't eat food at home that looks different. It is no doubt made from the recipes told in the television serials.
4) There will be peace at home. Ladies will be busy with the television, as the serials go on 24*7 and won't mind you coming home late. No more late night quarrels.

Also there are certain things you must know before watching them..
1) Don't worry if the characters change overnight. The writer was unable to get on with the story and has fastforwarded the story by 20 years.
2) Don't confuse the actors which you will invariably do if you watch all the serials. Don't be too ambitious or greedy to watch all serials. Limit yourself to only 3 or 4 serials. Recent scientific research has found out that owing to superior mental abilities of women, they can process information faster and efficiently and can watch unlimited serials per day, but men can do it only at their own risk.So, don't blame others if you start seeing the actors in your dreams and daily life.
3) If you still feel greedy and want to have more..watch 4 serials for a month max and take a break. You can now switch to another 4 serials for this month. This way you keep alternating and can see 8 serials. Don't worry about the story, assured you won't miss anything except for recipes for few tasty delicacies.
4) Put your mind in deep freezer before watching the serials. Watch the serials for the state-of-art-technology used for sound affects, high-end camera work, and the oscar winning reactions of the actors zoomed and shown close-up especially for you. Never mind the story line. Be more artistic and enjoy the melodrama. I say, there is nothing more funny and hilarious than our soaps. A hearty laugh keeps the doctor away.

Though at first I felt pity for our mensfolk, very soon I realised the sinister plot our men are up to. This metaplot completely bowled me over. Television serials were like a bait. It's the highest level of negotiations and bartering I have ever seen. It is something like give and take. You give women television serials and you make them believe they have won the game. But far from it, you remain the winner. Now you can go out as you wish and spend more time with your friends. Your days are peaceful and nights blissful. Also, you are spared from attending all those long marriage ceremonies and stuff, as your womensfolk themselves aren't keen on going out and missing the television serials. Thus soaps are a blessing in disguise for men. As soon as this revelation dawned upon me, I started seeing the secret smiles on the faces of men, though there still remains this desperation of missing out their favourite shows - somewhere down the line every man wants to have his private space to watch FTV and MTV. But I guess this is a compromise every man is willing to make. Peace at home and a beer outside. Its bliss, FTV or not! I am sure you will agree.

PS: This essay has been an attempt to tickle the funny bone and was not intended to deride anyone. My apologies if anyone is offended.